Let's Chat
by Bionic Egypt
Summary: Warning: All Dialogue Crack Fic. Chase has been kidnapped and tied to a chair. Who kidnapped him? Why have they kidnapped him? And where did they get the squirrel!


***runs in and skids to stop* I AM NOT DEAD! *cricket noise* Yeah, I haven't updated anything in forever, so I figured I'd give you guys a funny oneshot as an apology. Warning: This is a crack fic, I think. The characters (well, only three of them) might be a bit OOC, and they will be talking to me! It's all dialogue, too. And this is only a oneshot; I shall not be adding anything else to it, so don't ask. With that, enjoy (or laugh uncontrollably at) **_**Let's Chat**_**.**

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Let's Chat

"Who are you? How did I get here? Are you working for Marcus?!"

"No, Chase, I don't work for Marcus. He's dead. Now let's play!"

"How can I play anything when I'm _tied up_?"

"It was a figure of speech. Let's talk about why you're here."

"Why am I here?"

"I think you can guess."

"No, I can't."

"Just try, Chase."

"I'm here because I'm handcuffed?"

"Nope. Think again."

"I'm not sure . . . um, because I'm tied to a chair?"

"Try again."

"I'm here because you thought it would be funny to kidnap me?"

"Chase, really?"

"Well then, tell me why I'm here!"

"Because I wanted to chat! Now let's talk about your bionic abilities . . ."

" . . ."

"Oh come on! I just wanna hear about your abilities from your point of view. What are the advantages and disadvantages of being bionic?"

"Well . . . it's great being able to do things that other people can't, but when I glitch it really sucks."

"Ooh, what about when Spike comes out? What happens then?"

"Everything gets dark and I wake up later on, most of the time in the middle of a mess."

"Neat! Hey, how would one go about talking to Spike?"

"You'd have to get me really mad or really nervous first."

"Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee."

"What are you doing . . .?"

"Nothing . . . heehee."

"I don't like the sound of that . . ."

"Chase, you're shorter than a baby doll and your haircut makes you look like a chump."

"Grrr."

"And I think that Adam could totally take you in a spelling bee."

"What did you say Princess?!"

"Hey Spike! So, what do you think of Chase?"

"I have to get along with the twerp, but I only just tolerate him. Now let me go so I can rip out your spine and use it as a pogo stick."

"Never gonna happen, Spiky. Now let's see what happens when I do _this_."

"Why did you spray me with water?!"

"Because I thought it was funny. Now if you want out of that chair, you'll let Chase come back."

"What happened?"

"I chatted with Spike! He said he tolerated you, by the way."

"The feeling in mutual. Now let me go!"

"Never, you nerd! Don't get all demanding unless you want me to unleash my secret weapon."

"What secret weapon?"

"Catlin."

"OH GOD NO! Don't let her near me! She's _crazy_!"

"I know; that's why she's my secret weapon. Now let's talk about your siblings."

"Well, Adam is an idiot, Bree is a bit self-absorbed, and Leo is . . . _Leo_. There's nothing much else to say. So now can you let me go?"

"Nope!"

"Quit spraying me with water!"

"Then quit asking to be let go. I'm not freeing you. Now, how about this?"

"What's in the sack?"

"A live squirrel."

"Why do you have a squirrel?"

"Because I want to see what happens when I do _this_."

"AHH! GET THIS FREAKING SQUIRREL OFF OF ME!"

"Heehee!"

"I'M SERIOUS!"

"Fine. Here Mr. Whiskers, come here boy!"

"Thanks for getting that stupid squirrel away from me. But I'm still mad at you for putting it on me in the first place!"

"So? Now how about we play a game of _Tell the Author Everything_?"

"I don't like the sound of that."

"I know. Now, how about . . . ooh, why don't you tell me why you're so scrawny?"

"I'm not scrawny! I'm just . . . shorter than average."

"Right."

"So, can you let me go now?"

"How's this for an answer?"

"Quit spraying me!"

"Whatever, fruit fly."

"Fruit fly?"

"Yeah, doesn't Principal Perry call you that? No, wait, that's what Spike calls Leo. Never mind. How about: whatever little Dutch boy."

"That's not funny."

"Shut up! I didn't ask you!"

"Hey, what kind of name is Bionic Egypt anyway?"

"It's my penname, you bloody git!"

"Why did you insult me with a British phrase? Aren't you American?"

"That's should've given you a clue to my penname, stupid. What show has both Egyptian mythology and British characters?"

"Um, I don't know."

"Search your databases, Lab Rat."

"Don't call me a lab rat. I am not a rat."

"Whatever, short stack. Just look it up."

"Hmm, _House of Anubis_?"

"Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Yes, I love HoA. In fact, I had started writing a fanfic where you went to Anubis House, but I trashed it. I couldn't figure out who to pair you up with."

"Why did you have to pair me up at all?"

"Fire truck."

"What?"

"I dunno. Hey, wanna see a magic trick?"

"Would it make a difference if I said no?"

"Nope."

"Then go ahead."

"Hocus pocus!"

"Ah! What happened?"

"Holy crappers, that actually worked! This is freakin awesome! We're in the lab!"

"Chase? Why are you tied to a chair?"

"Leo, untie me!"

"Don't do it Dooley! I know where you live."

"Obviously. You're in my house."

"Good point. Hey, watch this."

"Why'd you tie me up?!"

"Because Chase looked like he wanted company."

"No, I didn't! I want out!"

"Then talk to me. I'll let you go after all my questions are answered."

"Then ask away."

"Ooh, but first, Leo's got to go. Alacazam!"

"Where did you send Leo?"

"Geeze, that actually worked? Um, I might've sent him to Timbuktu."

"Timbuktu? You sent him to Timbuktu?!"

"Hey, you watch _Charmed_ too! I know, let's watch my favorite episode!"

"I hate magic!"

"But you quoted _Charmed_ word for word . . ."

"So?"

"So I thought you had watched it . . . Now I'm disappointed, and you do not want to deal with me when I'm disappointed."

". . . I'm scared . . ."

"You should be, Chasey. You should be very afraid."

"Where did you get the stick?!"

"From thin air! Now hold still. Heehee, like you have a choice."

"Ouch! You hit me!"

"Yep, and I'll do it again if you don't listen to me!"

"Okay, what do you want?"

"Hmm, what do I want . . . let's see, I've got my favorite bionic teenager tied up and I'm in the actual lab . . . What should I do?"

"Go stand in the capsule?"

"Ooh, great idea. Here, take my picture."

"Okay, say LET ME GO!"

"NEVER! But thanks for the picture, Chase."

"You're welcome; now please let me go!"

"But why? I just wanted to hang out . . ."

"Then talk to me at school, not kidnap me and tie me to a chair with your freaky magic!"

"But that's more fun. Come on Chase, don't you at least want to know how I did that?"

" . . ."

"Well?"

" . . . Maybe . . . but that doesn't mean you need to show me."

"But I still have to bring Leo back."

"True. Go on, then. Show me how you work your strange craft."

"What has been done, now undo, and bring him back from Timbuktu!"

"Why did you send me to Timbuktu?!"

"Hey Leo."

"Help me get out of here!"

"Chase, I'm sending Leo to school. Poof!"

"How did you do that?"

"Magi-c."

"You sounded like Leo."

"Yep!"

"Now what?"

"Now we . . . ooh, now we sit around and tell ghost stories! I'll go first. A long time ago there was a creepy ghost that haunted a lab where three children were hidden away."

"This sounds weird."

"Shut up, it's my turn to tell the story. Anyway, the ghost was jealous of the youngest child, who was alive and well and very intelligent, not to mention adorable, so he decided to send a girl ten years later to trap him and interrogate the poor, yet cute, boy."

"Wait, what?"

"But the girl decided she wasn't going to listen to what the ghost wanted and instead decided make someone else go and talk to the boy. Now her friend has tied the boy to a chair and is asking him all sorts of strange and invasive questions."

"Your friend was sent by a ghost to interrogate me and she sent you instead?"

"Dude, you are way too gullible. There's no such thing as ghosts."

"Oh, so what am I, chopped liver?"

"AH, A GHOST!"

"Gotcha!"

"Donald Davenport? What are you doing here?"

"I'm freeing my son from you!"

"Aw, but we were just having fun, right Chase?"

"She's insane."

"And here I thought we'd bonded. Mr. Whiskers, attack Mr. Davenport!"

"WHERE DID THE SQUIRREL COME FROM?!"

"Hocus Pocus!"

"Now where are we?"

"I have no idea."

"How can you not know?! You brought us here!"

"Why don't you know? You've got that bionic GPS thingy."

"Right. Um, we're somewhere just outside Mission Creek. Maybe if I can contact Bree she can super speed us back to the lab."

"Never gonna happen, Chasey."

"Did you just call me Chasey?"

"Yep!"

"Please don't."

"You're no fun."

"But I don't like being called Chasey."

"Quit whining. Here, let's make a deal: I'll call you Chasey and you can call me whatever you want."

"Psycho."

"Except for Psycho."

"Fine, but seriously, can you please let me go?"

"Will you shut up?"

"Yes! I'll shut up! I'll do whatever you want, just please let me go!"

"Fine."

"You didn't let me go."

"You can stand up, can't you?"

"But I'm chained to a tree."

"I call that being free to walk."

"Can't you please just find the decency to let me go? Out of the goodness of your heart, I mean?"

"Fine. Come on Chasey, let's go back to the lab."

"Thanks, Bionic."

"Aw, you came up with a nickname for me! We are so in sync!"

"Just get us back already."

"Hocus Pocus."

"GET THIS SQUIRREL OFF OF ME ALREADY!"

"Mr. Whiskers, stand down. Sit, stay, be good dammit!"

"Thanks. Who are you?"

"I'm Bionic Egypt. Translation: the girl who can make you do whatever I want. Let's see what happens when I say this: Davenport got the sudden urge to walk upstairs and talk to Tasha about seeing a chick flick this weekend."

"I've got to go. I think I'll see a girly movie with Tasha later this week."

"What did you do to him?"

"I have no idea. I didn't think that would work. Anyway, I'll let you go on one condition . . ."

"Anything!"

"What's your middle name?"

"What?"

"Tell me your middle name."

"William. My full name is Chase William Davenport."

"I knew it! Okay, I'll let you go. But first . . ."

"I thought we had a deal!"

"I only have one more thing!"

"Fine. What do you want?"

"Show me your molecular kinesis and force field."

"I kind of need both my hands for the force field."

"So use them. Just because you're handcuffed to the cyber desk doesn't mean you can't use your hand. I gave you enough chain."

"Fine."

"Whoa! Don't take my head off with the cup!"

"Sorry."

"Neat force field. I love the color. Hey, I wonder if Spike's is the same?"

"We're not finding out!"

"Nope, I don't like Spike all that much. But hey, a deal is a deal. Here's the key, Chasey."

"Thanks Bionic."

"See you around?"

"Don't push it."

"Pretty please?"

"If you promise never to hold me against my will again."

"Promise! See you same time next week!"

". . . Bye . . .?"

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–**One Week Later–**

"Who's at the door?"

"I don't know; go answer it."

"Fine."

"I'm back, bitches!"

"_NOOOOOO!_"

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**And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my first crack fic. I know I laughed a bit while writing this, so maybe you laughed while reading it? Maybe you even liked it enough to review? *gives puppy dog eyes* Thanks for reading!**

**~C**


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